Bereavement is one major challenge that gets many dumbfounded for years. Imagine a child who got told at age 7 after accompanying her mum to the toilet due to her feeling unwell, that well, your mum, who collapsed and got rushed to the hospital is never coming back. In other to make it look or feel lighter, got told many stories, oh she had an operation that went wrong. Take note that I lost my dad 5 years prior to this, I was 2 years then.
That is my story of an adult bereaved as a child. I have found and I acknowledge that my experience of grief is very different from that of someone who experienced grief as an involved adult. In fact, I personally experience grief differently, and it took me years and years to even realise I have this huge emptiness in me that is called grief.
Now, because we lost our loved ones very early on in our lives doesn’t make our felt experience of loss any farther away than others. I have heard this many times, it’s been a while, and you probably are over it now.
Well, I thought I was until I started having my own kids and for the first time in my life, it occurred to me that someone birthed me, looked after me, changed my nappies, breastfed me, rocked me at night to sleep, and if I was anything like my babies, gave her countless sleepless nights. The consciousness broke me all over again and that impacted me so badly that I held my baby so tight and wouldn’t put him down.
Growing up, everything had a double meaning, I backed everything up, and I don’t trust anyone to stay in my life. I judged everything based on my experience of loss.
I think bereaved children get less support compared to adults. Not to undermine any grief or loss experience, but the impact of unresolved grief is huge. Some people are numb to it but some of us remember details of everything that happened, I believe we should ensure we are telling our stories, and asking questions that can help us connect the dots that may lead us to the desired result.
It still feels heart-breaking when people say ‘oh I see it’s been that long’, I think it sounds insensitive.
The 10th of May this year (2023) makes it 35 years since my mum passed away at age 38. I still can’t get it out of my mind how she gave birth to 8 kids within that period of her life. I have imagined everything possible; did she suffer from PDD and got no help? Did she, did she not?
I really hope we can start letting our kind grief with time and not limiting ourselves to a set time. It is honestly different for bereaved children. We grieve in phases, and as we age, the consciousness of what could have been gripping our minds and realities sometimes gets resolved.
I have also found that your siblings or family might not understand you too. My SISTER ETC. The truth is, no matter how long, or how far away life took someone away from you as a child, the fracture or impact on your heart and body never really gets overcome in totality. We are all trying to heal from the source as we step away from denials to embrace empathy for our own souls.
How Do I Deal With Grief?
Well, I gain positive strength from faith, my family there is that consciousness to want to be overly available, awareness of abandonment issues and my emotional response to that, and I gain positive strength from engaging my mind with a mission that will make me lighter. We also remember my parents every year, my siblings and I tend to have that re-connection yearly. That is about the most thing we all agree on without any issues really.
I have a 5-Phase professional step that I will be explaining in the next episode that will help you get through bereavement and grief.
Kindly, share with me how you manage as an adult bereaved as a child.
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